Blog :: Chris Farmer

Herding and Pasturing

Chris Farmer — Tue, 07 May 2013 13:00:30 GMT

The scene in the Sava Centar parking lot should have told me everything.Having been told to meet our bus in this parking lot to begin the 12-hour trip to Halkidiki, we duly showed up at the appointed time and place. Instead of seeing our bus, however, we saw at least 20 such conveyances, surrounded with hundreds of bag-laden holidaymakers.The process of transformation had already begun.The cacophony of voices, calling to each other, crying children, screaming parents, laughing youth, and assorted conversational counterpoints, had already begun to meld together into a collective kind of lowing and mooing. The crowds began slowly to be herded into their various corrals, moving with a kind of unfocused cud-chewing determination, offering the occasional disgruntled "moo" when prodded by any of the herders (i.e., Tour Leaders).We, the large domesticated ungulates, having renounced our humanity for the sake of a che

AUTO-RESPONSE

Chris Farmer — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 12:00:54 GMT

To whom it may concern: I am away from my desk and unable to read my mail. In fact, I am very far away from my desk and the city of its construction and even the country in which it is currently located.And I am not so much unable to read my mail as I am unwilling to read it. The mountains of mail-bot generated drivel which gets sent out spontaneously like virtual mushrooms and infests the dark corners of my inbox can wait until I return to my desk (see above) and, upon opening it, permanently clog my mail server.In case of emergencies, Zombie attacks, earthquake, flood, or other natural and supernatural disasters, I will perhaps read about it when I get back. Perhaps.If by dint of supervening act and extraordinary circumstances you have been able to reach me during this period in which, as previously noted, I am desk-away, then I shall not be held liable, responsible or otherwise accountable for the predictable g

Umbrellas and the Nature of Civic Responsibility

Chris Farmer — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:00:08 GMT

PRACTICAL TIP: In a yes or no question, the answer is almost never "it's not my ice cream."Had I known that, I probably would not have experienced this afternoon's cerebral implosion. As it happens, I walked up to the kiosk and asked my question, anticipating a no, hoping for a yes. And that is what I got.The backstory is equally ridiculous, but that is entirely my fault. Yesterday, sensing rain, I went out into the streets armed with my umbrella. An umbrella, as we all know, very nearly qualifies as public property. If you leave it someplace, it is no longer yours but passes into the public domain on the basis of need. This having been said, I was somewhat attached to this particular umbrella. I had kept it for at least 8 months without losing it. It was the right size and worked well. For the past months, it has served as my principle umbrella while the primary and secondary backups

System Failure

Chris Farmer — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:00:14 GMT

It is responsible for everything and accountable for nothing.It is the System. It is what we blame when things go horribly wrong and when it is not the fault of any one individual. It is a force to be reckoned with in Serbia, but it is equally powerful in all corners of the world.When anyone deals with public administration and its inherent bureaucratic labyrinths, we blame the System. When anyone is admitted into a public hospital and is treated like a piece of meat on a slab, we blame the System. The System is most often used to explain away the arcane and the unacceptable and most usually pertains to the large behemoths created by big government and big business.But the System is also misapplied in almost any context where people try to hide from responsibility. Waiters in restaurants, clerks in shops, mobile telephone providers, and even people in smaller groups - it is always much easier to throw u

HOUSTON: HABEMUS PROBLEMA

Chris Farmer — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 17:00:51 GMT

The new pope was white-smoked in record time. The new pope comes from the new world. The new pope is a Jesuit. The new pope is a scientist.[Moment of silent contemplation]A scientist, chosen by the same gang that strong-armed Galileo into backsies, that poo-pooed Copernicus, and that burned Giordano Bruno for heresy in the middle of Campo dei Fiori. As a class, these are people who do not get along very well with scientists. But now...HABEMUS SCIENTIFICUS!The implications of what Jorge Mario, yclept Francis, could now do as pope are mind boggling. Leaving out the obvious old chestnut of evolution, having a scientific brain at the helm of Big Religion sounds like having a free-marketeer at the helm of the old Soviet Union. And look how well that worked out for Mr. Gorbachev. Francis (who, by the way, does not like to go by "Frank," trust me) is definitely an avian of a different pinnam. So what if he is the

Drive-by Wavers

Chris Farmer — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 15:00:49 GMT

When someone speeds down the middle of Brankov Most, weaving and swerving at 130 kph, he might throw you a polite wave. As if to say, "Sorry to have caused you a near-death experience."When a driver struggles and attempts to parallel park five times on a busy Belgrade street, he may also wave to the accumulated traffic. As if to say, "Thanks for being patient and not killing me."How we drive, then, is a reflection of how we live in the society composed of the impolite, the rude, the aggressive, the dangerous, and the frightening. Most of the time, these five elements bring the rest of us down to their level.I discovered this recently when I was attempting to explain to my newly motorized fiancée exactly why she should wave an excuse to the car behind her when she stalled at the traffic light on Cvijceva. As a point of principle, she need not have acknowledged anything. She could hav

How to Get New Clients in a Competitive Environment

Chris Farmer — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:00:23 GMT

A Play in One ActThe following is a true story..."I want to change from Telenor to VIP.""Can I have your licna karta?"I give my ID card."Wait just a moment," he said, and he went to the back of the shop.15 minutes later."You can switch, but you cannot use our phones," he declared."I did not ask for one," I said."Because you are a foreigner you cannot have any of our phones.""I don't want I phone." "You cannot have one.""Why?""Because you are a foreigner.""Did you look at my licna karta? I have been here for 10 years, I have owned two companies here, I have a JMBG. Why can't I have a phone?"He shrugged his shoulders."Is that an explanation?" I asked, getting steamed up."Let me talk to the manager," I said."He's not here.""Who did you go talk to in the back?"&quo

The End (Again)

Chris Farmer — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 15:00:22 GMT

The world as we know it ended seven months ago.The world's legion paranoid masses announced the end of the world for May 21. I am not sure anymore why the world had to come to an end seven months ago, but it seems this month we will get another shot at putting our cosmic lives in order and getting ready for the New End of the World on December 21.When the world ended seven months ago, none of us really noticed any changes. The next morning the sun seemed to shine, the birds seemed to sing. But since we had not yet reached the end of the 13th b'ak'tun of the Mayan calendar (which, as EVERYONE knows, is a really big deal), then the New and Real End of the World couldn't happen quite yet. According to the sales, marketing, and advertising people with whom I have been conferring about 2012 phenomena in general, the December 21st deadline is likely to be postponed in order to stop consumers from boycotting th

Stone Squeezing

Chris Farmer — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 13:00:20 GMT

There are two rules about squeezing blood from a stone. First: it does not work. Second: apply enough pressure and the stone will eventually crumble. Work gloves are recommended.With the spate of price increases here and there of excises and specific taxes which was landed on our collective heads in Serbia this week - cigarettes, bus tickets, fuel, heating costs, and VAT which affects almost everything else - the government is showing us that they are fresh out of fresh ideas.Ironically, when the government overspends (as they are doing consistently), the great thinkers in charge of the Brilliant Ideas Department think that they can just off-load this kind of recklessness onto the consumers. Problem solved! Not enough money? More taxes!Easy peasy.Sadly, when the CONSUMER overspends, we are left to squeeze the stones. For the most part, in this highly regulated and boisterously bureaucratic society, we are not

Mind Your Mannerisms

Chris Farmer — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 06:00:47 GMT

As a child, I got my hands slapped quite often.I would forget to say please (slap). I would omit to say thank you (slap again).I would sometimes burst into a room whose door was closed without knocking (slap-slap). And thus I was taught what everyone in America of the late sixties and seventies, my formative years one might say, called "good manners" and "being polite." After several million slaps, I actually started to get it.Everything got easier after I finally learned this lesson. People listened to me more. My parents smiled more. I got a few more birthday and Christmas gifts. I heard people say - My what a GOOD boy. What a POLITE boy. This had been working for me until I left America. Then things started to get more complicated...The idea of being polite was driven by the idea of showing respect for the person to whom you are talking. Not a respect like student to Maharishi or loyal subject to t

Original Content

Chris Farmer — Sat, 09 Jun 2012 08:00:46 GMT

I do what I do because I have always done it.There are two reasons for this. The first is that, having done what I do over a considerable time, I have become adept at it. But another reason is that it is more acceptable from a societal point of view to establish continuity and therefore predictability in my persona. People know me in that I do the things that I do because I have always done them. We need people to be as we expect them to be. It helps us categorize and manage the floods of humanity which is otherwise doing more or less the same things we do. We eat, we sleep, we reproduce. Repeat. But if we KNOW that some guy always eats with his left hand even if he is right-handed, we can pin him to that particular exhibit and move on. We need no further contemplate him as a person because his persona has distinguished attributes. In my case, I have long done things slightly differe

How Things Should Be

Chris Farmer — Fri, 18 May 2012 05:00:00 GMT

I do like it here.After so many years, it is still a question which I am asked repeatedly. Do you like it here? Do you like living in Serbia? Generally I continue to answer affirmatively. The fact is that I am here, after having been here for quite a long time. And having no plans to move away, I guess I must like it here...I am often criticized for writing about the things I find odd, strange, and unacceptable about Serbia. And I have very rarely shirked this self-assigned public duty to do so. So much of what happens around me runs contrary to my sense of How Things Should Be, a sense which has been developed and ingrained in me in many different places, different cultures, over many years. The reality is that LIFE is full to overflowing with the odd, the strange, and the unacceptable. It is in every corner of the Earth, every city, and every home. Everywhere there are people who are different from you.

Excuses

Chris Farmer — Mon, 07 May 2012 04:00:16 GMT

Wait until after the elections, they all said.The implication of this cryptic phrase is that after the elections in Serbia, people will be able to make decisions and everything will get back to business as usual. So we sat through the "campaign" and through election day and night, and patiently awaited the great Results which would shape the future. And now?And now the people have cast their votes (well 60ish per cent anyway) and we have a clear victory for... no one. The great day which we awaited has come and gone. Now, they say, wait until after the run-off election. And then, wait until after the coalition is formed. Then it will be summer and they will say wait until after August. And then August will come and people will drip back to work throughout September - so let's wait until after September...THEN we will know. THEN we will be able to get back to work.It seems we never really have to look very fa

The Protest Hedgehog

Chris Farmer — Fri, 04 May 2012 09:00:38 GMT

BELGRADE - In a popular movement which started up as a general protest to political content on Facebook, the Protest Hedgehog (written in capital letters by adherents) has become a pre-election phenomenon in Belgrade.The movement began a few weeks ago on the website . The founders of the PROTEST HEDGEHOG movement declared themselves to be "fed up with seeing politicians and their spew" on their Facebook timelines. But just what IS this hedgehog all about?The animal, according to one of the initiators of the movement (speaking on the assurance of confidentiality), was a somewhat random choice. "We struggled for awhile," he noted. "We could not decide between a hedgehog and a turnip." Eventually the turnip faction was defeated in as much as the photo was "not as cute." A splinter organ

Dumbing It Down

Chris Farmer — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 08:00:10 GMT

I wonder if I know less today that the things which I have forgotten.I used to remember phone numbers. I also remembered birthdays, street addresses, spelling, and peoples' names (although I was NEVER very good at that). Now I no longer need to remember. My phone holds ALL the phone numbers to which I have ever been exposed. It remembers for me. Street addresses are not nearly as relevant as email addresses - and email addresses are on their way to being completely supplanted by IM, Facebook, or chat identities. Predictive spelling is pernicious and ubiquitous. I have to dig up the most arcane of vocabularies to be able to stump it. It completes my thoughts - not just my words - on the phone. Google is constantly asking me, "Did you mean..." and letting me know that Google understands my needs and desires better than I do. And my thoughts! It occurs to me that my thoughts used to occur in full sentences