B92 Blog

... this is reality.

when you go to Serbian wedding, and every male is trying to make passes at Kuma.

When at that same wedding, kuma always ends up dancing on the table.

When the church has the bar in the basement, and a beer cooler directly under the altar.

When there are two Serbian churches in your town, and they are on non-speaking terms (calling each other "communists".)

When the priest of that church got a beating for trying to put up a "No Smoking" sign.
When he eventually did put up that sign, he lost half of the church attendants.

When, even after living for 30 years in the US, you still refer to it as "tudjina".

When, after living for 30 years in the US, you still answer the phone with "molim?"

They lower their voice when speaking about "Udba", "Tito", or "komunisti", even though they live 10,000 miles away, thirty years later.

When you judge the quality of the soup by the amount of fat that floats on top of it. "Dva prsta" is the best.

When by "fish" you mean fried carp, even though you live in Florida.

(Been there seen that).

(To be continued...)

What, only kuma ends up dancing on the table? What a lousy wedding... :)

Atomski mrav

What, only kuma ends up dancing on the table? What a lousy wedding... :)

The rest jump on later:))

Atomski mrav

What, only kuma ends up dancing on the table? What a lousy wedding... :)

Kuma? You mean godmother?! :)

Kuma? You mean godmother?! :)

one who, apart from being the first one up on a loosen table in high heels, is dressed in the most provocative way at the wedding ... either in an ultramini skirt, or in a dress with ultralarge decolletes from up and bellow ... or both, if wedding is really good

when you go into your local bombshelter and get gassed by the stink of onions.

Better forget 1999 Serbian experience during 78 days of NATO (read USA) bombardment.

I heard loud airplane flying over Ljubljana tonight and this always reminds me of the shocking noise when hundreds of them from Western Europe grouped overhead on March 24th.

"local bombshelter"??

Every ex-communist country has a lot of bombshelters in towns, because they were always preparing for war. Actually, not only ex-commie countries, I beleive you Americans built quite a few bombshelters during the Cuban missile crisis...
Now, being practical as we are, we turned our bombshelters in either mini-malls (usually occupied by Chinese stores nowadays) or storage rooms for potatoes and sauerkraut... :)

_

living diaspora when you think that the site like "You know you are Serbian if.." is funny, while the Serbs living in Serbia think it is just plain dumb.

I second that. In fact I think it applies mostly to 2nd gen Serbian kids growing up in the States.

Rather true comparison, have seen myself in most of it :)

FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.


FRIENDS: When their mom visits them she brings a nice bunt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: When their mom visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.


FRIENDS: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its
usually only on special occasions.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00am and start pruning the trees with a chainsaw or renovating the garage.


FRIENDS: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: No problem, leave the kids there and if they get out of line the Serbian friend can set them straight...plus they get fed.


FRIENDS: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal



FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect cake and coffee, no more.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee, a meal, a choice of two meats, Sarma , Potatoes, Homemade cookies and cakes and plates to take home...time permitting there will be a late snack as well.


FRIENDS: Think that being Serbian is a great thing.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Know that being Serbian is a great thing


FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.


FRIENDS: Will say "hello"
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.


FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.


FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.


FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.


FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.


FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.


FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.


FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"


FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Your friends' father laughs when he talks about junk cars he used to drive as a student.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Your Serbian friends' father can talk affectionately, with tears in his eyes, for hours about his 1967 used "Fica", and the great fun he had driving it for 10 years.

If they are particularly happy to see you - they give you a smooooch! (The wetter the better).

Rosemary Bailey Brown

Great list. Did you write this yourself? One small edit - Serbian friends never give "a kiss", they give three.

Didn't write it all myself, there was a bulletin on Myspace, so i added a few things to it....Hope i did not break the copyright rules:)...

Uncyclopedia is way cool, but the "You know you're Serbian..." is just plain stupid. Disturbing even. What the hell kind of lives do those people lead when they leave this country?

riddles

Uncyclopedia is way cool, but the "You know you're Serbian..." is just plain stupid. Disturbing even. What the hell kind of lives do those people lead when they leave this country?

Why don't you come over and find out? :)))

I might, ya never know :)

Seriously, a good 90% of people I know would be seriously disgusted with half of the things on that list... It's like every custom or culture quirk taken out of context and magnified 1000 times...

99% of Serbs would be disgusted with Tesla jokes although I saw them for the first time :-)

Bosnians were the most accomplished nation of former YU as they managed to make good jokes on themselves.

Nah, I don't mind joking, we have a lot of jokes with us being the puncline. There are a few good ones on the list too, but most of it is just... stupid.

I agree with this.
Uncyclopedia has a humoristic trait.
The "You know you're Serbian..." site is stupid in addition to being written by someone who doesn't know how to spell.

I can understand why you don't laugh, it only brings me back to your previous post about Mexico... The thing is, we are generally not equipped with interest and/or desire to learn about other nations, ethnicities and cultures. With our self-absorbed tendency to portray our nation as unique (or at least, more unique than any other nation in at least one particular sense that we can come up with) we're quite far from realizing that many other 'tribes' share, if not the majority, then a significant portion of these lame, so called 'funny' characteristics. Mentality doesn't help either - certainly we do like to laugh at our own ridiculousness and quite often we indulge in heavy generalization (such as this reply of mine), but we reluctantly give the same opportunity to an 'alien' who liberally engages with criticism. Our identity is something you "just have to understand", with great readiness to accept many things for granted - then again, if you ask too many questions, you may get an answer "it's just like that". I believe we're in fact very far from defining who we really are, and we're not even attempting to deal with this issue. Too many perpetuations and old mistakes, perhaps, influence us to accept this mentality as a genetical glitch embedded in our collective misconception of a nation, actually believeing that we're in fact blessed to be clearly distinct from Croats, Bosniaks, Bulgarians, Albanians or Roma... not to mention anyone across the great waters.

I used to be married to an English girl. Two things were inseparable - my constant desire to explain and reveal everything, the good and the bad, making her confused most of the time, and of course, my ongoing doubt if any of my clarifications and in-depth analysis actually work. We parted ways at the end, each heading to its own herd, and each carrying some vast knowledge of 'other species'. I can't tell how useful this is, since I always go "against the grain" - I never accepted the advice that "some things just don't mix".

I am surprised you didn't notice many different ways of flushing toiletes, most of them inefficient :-)

There were 2M Yugoslavs in 1991 but they are rare specie now.

I'm actually trying to make a distinction between what it means to be Serbian for people in Serbia vs. what it means for people in diaspora. I've simply never seen 2/3 of the things on the list occur in Serbia proper. Some of the other things are true - we are still a cash based society (and we carry a lot of it around), and the "th" thing is an issue. I teach English to a 10-year old daughter of a family friend, and I it took a lot of repetition to make hear say "th" instead of "f" :)

Just out of curiosity: where did you come across the "lining for shots in the church" thing, Serbia or Serbian community abroad? I've never seen that here, not even in my dad's hometown way south (and it would be an understatement to say that they drink a lot over there).

Another thing: as a Serb, I get pretty annoyed when someone here says "The way we do this (that or whatever) is the best/worst in the world". It's that idea that we absolutely have to stand out in some way - be the best if possible, if not, let's at least be worst. I can't seem to be able to explain to people that we have our good and bad sides, as well as everything in between - just like all other nations in the world.

Rosemary, and you probably think that Gucha and what people do to themselves there is the coolest thing in the world?! I tried to read to my American girlfriend some of the lines from that "you know that you are Serb" list is and realized how stupid and condescending all that is, I was ashamed of being Serb. I feel like being a Serb is similar to being a monkey in a zoo - everyone laughs and has fun with, but nobody would like to share cage with the monkey...

I'd like to see a similar list for "how do you know that you are an American".

riddles:
I'm actually trying to make a distinction between what it means to be Serbian for people in Serbia vs. what it means for people in diaspora.

Right after the bombing of 1999 was over, I received a letter from my cousin in Canada. Among other things, he was telling me how the general feeling among Serbian diaspora there was: We shouldn't have signed the agreement, we should have lasted (izdržati) longer. My answer to him was: Please rely my message to the smart ones: "Dodji ti ovde, pi..a ti ma....na, pa izdrži ti, pi.da ti ma....na!" It is so easy to be brave from far away.

Serbian diaspora is, almost exclusivly (čast izuzecima) idealizing Serbia. It's like a long-distance relationship, where you get to see the man of your dreams once or twice a year. Very romantic each time, but faults are not seen, or are even ignored, because they don't really matter. But, moving in together is much different a game. A friend of mine who decided to come back after 10 or so years in Switzerland, even today gets upset with "little daily things" around here (like, neighbours throwing trash bag out on the street, from the window of their 10th floor flat). And each time I get to tell her: "This is not Switzerland".

Milovan Danojlić - "Dragi moj Petroviću" should be read before contemplating return from West to Serbia!

Famous "srpski inat" in 1999 lasted ten times longer than expected. I get creeps when even Biljana Srbljanovic brags about heroic decission to stay in Belgrade. Would the world be better place without her? RTV dead so infamously wasted. Whole generation in WW-I retreat over Albania...

Look, my own brother went back to Serbia after having lived in the US for almost 20 years. He tells me that he never had it better - never enjoyed life more, never made more money.
And I don't think he ever read "Dragi moj Petrovicu."

I don't think he was making enough money in USA! Now I can better understand your return wishes.

LP MMM S56A, alias YU1BCD

Heh,
like you would know!:)) (He is a surgeon, my man).

so he was a surgeon in the States and a surgeon in Serbia, and made more money in Serbia? I'm sorry, but I find that hard to believe. And even if it is true of your brother, he's certainly an exception.

Unless he was a surgeon-turned-businessman in Serbia... ;-)

It helps if you have your own hospital.

Americans are bashed & laughed at just as much as any other nation present in the mass-media in the past few decades, if not more. I don't know how seeing such a list would make you feel better about your own nation, but here's an example. You Know You're an American When You Look at a World Map and See This.

nsarski

Heh,like you would know!:)) (He is a surgeon, my man).

nsarski

It helps if you have your own hospital.

Nenad, Google and myself found only famous Dragan Svrakic with the same profession as your current! I have no doubt that there are a lot of patients in Serbia but I am not sure about their paying capabilities? I hope you are not playing internet psyho games here :-)

No, sir. There is a third one. But, let's cut this one out. Or else, you may want me to send you my fingerprints next time:)

It helps if you have your own hospital.

QED - surgeon-businessman ;)

Funny, indeed!

I ovaj kamen zemlje Srbije,
Sto pretec suncu dere kroz oblak,
Sumornog cela mracnim borama
O vekovecnosti prica dalekoj,
Pokazujuci nemom mimikom
Obraza svoga brazde duboke.

Vekova tavnih to su tragovi-
Te crne bore, mracne pecine;
A kamen ovaj, ko piramida
Sto se iz praha dize u nebo,
Kostiju krsnih to je gomila,
Sto su u borbi protiv dusmana
Dedovi tvoji voljno slagali,
Lepeci krvlju srca rodjenog
Misice svojih kosti slomljene,
Da unucima spreme busije,
Oklen ce nekad smelo preziruc
Dusmana cekat cete grabljive.

- I samo dotle, do tog kamena,
Do tog bedema...
Nogom ces stupit, mozda, poganom?
Drznes li dalje?... Cuces gromove,
Kako tisinu zemlje slobodne
Sa grmljavinom strasnom kidaju,
Razumeces ih srcem strasljivim
Sta ti sa smelim glasom govore,
Pa ces o stenja tvrdom kamenju
Brijane glave teme celavo
U zanosnome strahu lupati,
Al' jedan izraz, jednu misao
Cuces u borbe strasnoj lomljavi
"Otadzbina je ovo Srbina!..."

Ćao Kodekse,

jel ovo dokazuješ da se najbolje patriotske pesme prave u kafani, pa još za inat? :)

FATHERLAND by Djura Jaksic

And this stone of the serbian land,
that rips cloud to threats the sun,
With cloudy forehead and darkned wrinkle
Tell the story of ancient time,
Showing in mute mimics
Deep scars of its pretty chick.

These are the marks of obscyre centyries -
Those black wrinkles and dark caves;
And this stone, like pyramid
Rising the dust right in the sky,
It is the pile of beautiful bones
Made in the battle against the enemy
Willingly put by your grandfathers
Liming with blood of your own heart
Muscles of your broken bones,
To prepare the ambush for their grandsons
Where they will stand in brave contempt
And wait for aggressor those lurking platoons

- And only that far, to that stone,
To that wall…
You will make push with your dirty feet
And if u dare to advance?.. you’ll hear the thunders,
That rip the silence of free land
With great roar,
And you’ll underestend it in your coward heart
What they told you with the daring voice,
And you will break your bold head
On this rocks and hard stones
In ecstatic horror,
But one word, one thought
You will hear in great crash of battle
“THIS IS THE LAND OF SERBIAN MAN!...”

preveo ili ti prepevao.. moja malenkost.. uz boziju pomoc.. codex od chasti

kad napises bolju javi se..

malopre iz kafane.. :P

Haaahaaa,
vidi se:)))

kad je mogao djura mogu i ja .. :)
p.s. idi na spavanje nsarski, treba sutra protestirati protiv nadolazeceg fashizma u srbiji :)))

codex_casti

kad je mogao djura mogu i ja .. :)
p.s. idi na spavanje nsarski, treba sutra protestirati protiv nadolazeceg fashizma u srbiji :)))

Sta da spavam, choveche, ovde tek pochelo veche (21:00)?
Ali, tvoj prepev mi se svidja, zaista:)) Narocito ako si ga zapisao na kafanskom salvetu.

After all we did and what we became, I am truly ashamed of reading this poem. I belive if Djura Jaksic was alive today, he would feel the same.

preveo ili ti prepevao.. moja malenkost.. uz boziju pomoc.. codex od chasti

pa mogao si bas da nadjes neki bolji prevod ;)

nah.. djura was patriot.. ;o)

Ok, I tried to read the first one but it was too long. I don't think it was written very well; I guess half of the fun was supposed to come from using scattered words of Serbian language in English text ("your Deda cuts grass..." etc). Some of the entries are just boring ("you wear black socks") and some are a picture of everyday life in small Serbian villages - that's probably very interesting for people living in Los Angeles or San Diego (I forgot the locality of the original webpage) but it makes me shrug my shoulders.

One anecdote: when I was about 11? we were visiting our relatives in the village during the summer vacation, and the locals were shocked that I "still" (their words) don't smoke or drink rakija at that age; what was wrong with me? (insert that shocked smilie with his jaw dropping), and my father acted very apologetic in front of them.

From all your posts, Rosemary, I see that you have a considerable culture shock in Serbia; it even sounds exagregatted (spelling?) to the point when I *almost* don't believe you have such a huge culture shock (but I do believe you, as I post on some American boards for several years and I know that you are genuine).

I don't understand why you guys are so uptight about this thing, Every ethnic group, when faced with the new environment, tends to resort to their "old ways", and this social clumsiness is often quite funny. People make fun like that about Italians or Greeks (My Fat Greek Wedding) or Irish, or Serbians. My guess is that that list "You know you are Serbian if..." was written by local Serbians living in LA. You can find such lists about Mexicans, or Rednecks, or whatever all over the internet.

I have an American friend who loves to come to Serbia for a visit. When he first came to Belgrade many years ago, I took him around to visit some people, and we spent the whole evening visiting friends. At the end of the evening, and after several slivowitzas he had, he looked at me carefully and asked: "Do you guys eat anything else but gibanitsa?" Only then I realized that in every single house we went to he was offered a drink (home made!) and gibanitsa. I thought it was hilarious and could not stop laughing. He almost started apologizing, like: "Look, don't get me wrong, I like gibanitsa, but this is a little too much". On the other hand I know that he, being American, would never refuse when offered free food. Oh, OK, here is one!: You know you're American if you always eat when offered free food.
The other day we had a small party in our Department. On of my colleagues knocked on my door and told me: "Let's go have some hot dogs!". I said: "No, thanks, I'm not hungry". He was completely taken aback: "What do you mean 'not hungry'? It's free!".
After all, I know that many of you thought that the movie like "Borat" was hilarious, and you laughed your heads off watching it. I, personally, think it is a rather tasteless film making extreme ridicule of others - many others, including Americans.
I happen to think that it is a sign of maturity when you are able to laugh at yourself.
That is my opinion. If you don't like it, I have another one.:) Cheer up!

P.S. The other day I met this Bosnian guy, newly arrived to the States. I was supposed to interpret for him in Court as he had some problems with his car insurance, and was sued by the insurance company. As we were approaching the courtroom, just about to enter, he looked at me and asked: "Should I take off my shoes?" (Trebal' se ovdje izuvat?"). I thought this was funny. He didn't.

That's probably why I have a problem with this - I detest that "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" thing and all similar stereotype laden crap :P

nsarski, once again, very well said!

Oh, OK, here is one!: You know you're American if you always eat when offered free food.

You know you're American if you think this is hilarious! :)

After all, I know that many of you thought that the movie like "Borat" was hilarious, and you laughed your heads off watching it. I, personally, think it is a rather tasteless film making extreme ridicule of others - many others, including Americans.

I agree. That movie was so retarded, I could not sit through it (even though I paid for it ;) And I used to be a fan of "Da Ali G Show" back in the UK.

One anecdote: when I was about 11? we were visiting our relatives in the village during the summer vacation, and the locals were shocked that I "still" (their words) don't smoke or drink rakija at that age; what was wrong with me? (insert that shocked smilie with his jaw dropping), and my father acted very apologetic in front of them.

This is absolutely ridiculous.
What is the message of this anecdote?

You know you're American if you always eat when offered free food.

Hey Sharski, this goes for Serbs as well. Here is an advice for you, or anyone else who is considering what to do when they return to Serbia, do not start a ‘all you can eat’ type a restaurant, you know, like buffet, or ‘all you can eat cevapcici for…’ it’s just not going to work ;)

If your mom calls you 'sine' although you are her daughter...

...your friends when they see u after a long time say :"You've certainly improved"...meaning uve put on a ton of weight..."Ala si se po