How to Write Foreign Policy

Take a generous helping of random opinions from diplomats around the world. To prepare this, send reasonably competent individuals to each country and marinate them in the local cultures for a few months. Be careful not to let them sit too long in the marinade or the local spices may overpower the flavor.

In the meantime, knead and stretch Basic Foreign Policy Objectives (available at most supermarkets in the frozen section) until they attain the shape which is best suitable to your baking dish. The choice of baking dishes is not always of great importance as you will only be half-baking your mixture anyway.

Into the bowl of random opinions, gently fold in mollifying agents at a ratio of 10:1. This will tend to homogenize the opinions and reduce the acidic taste which may be present in each individual ingredient.

TIP: Use a paste of conditional and subjunctive verbs and noncommittal adjectives.

For a spicier Foreign Policy, you may choose to add media commentary at this stage. Mix it in by hand, not with an electric mixer, as the commentary should be only fragmented enough as to remove its original context without disrupting its spirit or tone. Strain away any extraneous exclamation points or excessive question marks.

By this point, your mixture should resemble a thick grayish mush, like cold oatmeal or gruel. Do not be alarmed if it is unpalatable to the taste, the final outcome will be a Policy that lies just on the threshold between the gagging reflex and metabolic acidosis.  

Pour the mush into the baking dish which you have lined with your unbendable Basic Foreign Policy Objective shell and bake at 3,500 degrees Kelvin for three and half seconds. The result will melt your mixing bowl completely and petrify the shell without affecting the dyspeptic mush in the least.

Serve with a pinch of salt.

Precautions and Contraindications

Your Foreign Policy is now ready for general distribution and mass consumption. Most people to whom it is served will find it somewhat distasteful but will find themselves able to swallow it more or less readily. Digestion will be a very long process. The best Foreign Policies will never be fully digested at all.

Government chefs are warned of a new phenomenon which is affecting policy kitchens around the world. It is called Wikileaks.

Wikileaks is a separating agent. It removes the random opinions added in step one and serves them individually, without any mollifying agents, as completed dishes in and of themselves. This represents a danger to your Foreign Policy as it removes some of its bite, on the one side, and undermines the chef's intent on the other.

Served without sugar-coating, Wikileaks are often mistaken for the Real Thing. And very often people will find themselves filling up on the Wikileaks long before your Foreign Policy is served.

Be sure to warn your dinner guests appropriately beforehand.