Deck The Halls With Šljivovica!

Yuletide SpiritsChristmas has come early to Serbia this year as Santa Claus packed Belgrade’s stocking with all sorts of things. But did the Jolly Olde Elf fill the stocking with candy and gifts? Or did he decide that Koštunica had been a naughty boy and bring coal and sticks instead? Hmmm, let’s take a look in the stocking and see what we can pull out…..

-Membership in Partnership for Peace? A large gift.

-Glowing reviews from the World Bank? A gift.

-Delaying the presentation of Ahtisaari’s status recommendations for Kosovo? A huge gift.

-The European Union and the United States falling all over themselves to show they support democracy in Serbia and to prevent the Radical bogey-man from coming to power? A silly gift, but a gift nonetheless.

-Marko getting thrown out of the house at Big Brother? A gift.

-Vojislav Šešelj’s new weight loss plan, the Hague Diet? Also a gift.

But what do Serbs really, really want for Christmas? Some of my sources in the Pošta have given me a selection of letters to Santa Claus from some anonymous Serbian citizens, telling what they want for Christmas. Here are some excerpts from these letters. The names have been disguised to prevent their privacy.

------------

Dear Santa,

I would like Ollie Rehn and Javier Solana to tell me that Serbia can become a member of the EU without fulfilling any of the membership requirements. I want the Serbian Orthodox Church to become the official state religion of the EU and to have the Patriarch replace the Pope. Please have Solana name Ratko Mladic to replace him at the head of EU foreign policy. Please banish Carla Del Ponte to the Outer Hebrides. Kosovo, of course, should remain part of Serbia forever and ever and ever and ever and all the Albanians should leave. In exchange we will give them another piece of Holy Serbian soil: Chicago. Help me move the Drina River 300 kilometres west. And don’t forget the 40 kilos of tuna fish for my cats.

V.K

-------------

Dear Santa,

Please, please, please, please, let him die(t) so I can become the boss. Please, please, please, please. Perhaps I can also bury him...I am good at burying things, such as countries, hopes, dead bodies, freedom, liberty and democracy. Please have Ahtisaari make his decision after a democratic government is formed. But most of all, don’t let us win more than 50% in the elections, because then we will have to form a government and take responsibility for something. Also, if it’s not asking too much, could you have all the Hungarians leave Vojvodina? Please?

T.N.

--------------

Dear Santa

Could you renew my contract with that modelling agency? And could you tell that guy Zoran to quite coming to me in my dreams and asking me why I have abandoned his path? Oh, yes, could you have Čedo emigrate to Australia or South Africa? And could you have Ahtisaari present his report before we form a government? Most importantly, I need some competent advisors

B.T.

---------------

Dear Santa,

I want to be Zoran Djindjić.

Č.J.

----------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy. The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and the bees. I want money…and power. Especially power. And could you make that guy Djelić go away? Now he has a book and everyone has forgotten about my book. And I really, really, really need just a few more votes. I am so desperate that I am even willing to resolve Kosovo.

M.D.

-----------------

Dear Santa,

I want the King to come back. No, not Elvis, I mean a Karadjordjević. I’ll even settle for an Obrenović, if you can find one. But a Nemanjić would be best of all. Also, could you cause the people counting the votes in Čačak to make a mistake and give Velja’s votes to me?

V.D.

-----------------

Dear Santa,

J**** te čorava. Dao bih ti da mi po*****, al mnogo si ružan, pobacam te kroz prozor sa sve Irvasima. Ko te pita šta češ mi doneti za božić, majku ti j****! Donet ćeš mi ono sto ti kažem da mi doneseš, p**** ti materina. You will bring me a new motorway from Horgoš all the way to Užice

V.I.

-----------------

There it is. What average Serbs really want for Christmas. I do, however, detect a Grinch just waiting to steal Christmas: an election campaign in the middle of the holiday season.

How are Serbs expected to enjoy their numerous slavas, two Christmases and two New Years? How can there be “Peace On Earth, Good Will Towards Men” when every time I turn on the television I am bombarded with advertisements…”Long live Serbia”; “Expertise Before Politics”; “50% Plus Your Vote”, “For a Better Life”, “It Depends on Us”, to name but a few. Is this the way you wanted to spend your holidays? Somebody call Carla Del Ponte and ask her to indict Koštunica, Nikolić and Tadić for a crime against humanity for setting 21 January as an election date. I thought this was the season to be jolly.

In the meantime, while we wait for Christmas day, let us warm ourselves around a warm radiator and a glowing television screen, with a glass of warm eggnog (or šljivovica or travarica) as we watch the wonderfully entertaining political advertisements and fill ourselves to overflowing at the slava buffet table. And don’t forget that you are not supposed to eat anything greasy (masno), so stay away from the roast pig and lamb and all those other sinful delights.