Bailouts-Я-Us

My factory has for years produced the best possible Bicycles for Tropical Fish (BTFs). We had no rivals in any market! No one made a better BTF in the entire world. Rightfully, we were very proud of this achievement and our factory output surged with Pride in Workmanship, a Strong and Healthy Work Ethic, and most of the other jingoes which the US auto industry Nawabs were singing over the last few weeks. The thought of getting the US Congress to bail me out has lifted my spirits greatly!

I had been becoming gloomy over the lack of orders, the down-turn in the global economy, the recessionary atmosphere all around the world. I did not want my BTF factory to become just another statistic in the road to Rationalization.

"But, according to your balance sheet, you have NEVER had any orders," said the steely-eyed lawmaker as I sat in my first congressional hearing. He was a clever one. This was not going to be easy.

"That is what makes it all the more important that the bailout package be significant." I had asked for eight hundred and sixty million dollars and twenty-five cents. I thought Congress would not want to bother with anything smaller.

"I am sorry," the congressman glowered over his half-glasses, "but I am not sure that we could ever see our way to grant this request."

"Congressman," I pleaded, "I know you have Tropical Fish of your own. I know that you would not want to see them deprived because of a global economic downturn which was no fault of mine. My company makes high quality products. We produce no toxic emissions. We do everything to comply with all federal regulations concerning the environment. We are Good Corporate Citizens." I waxed eloquent. The congressional panel became bleary eyed. I took this as a Good Sign.

"Think of the pollution caused by US auto industry," I continued. "They make huge cars as status symbols, cars which deplete the ozone and dump countless tons of carbon-monoxide fumes into the atmosphere."

The grey-suited congressional panel remained silent.

I had made my point. The Big Three Carmaking Nawabs had cried in the same tones earlier today. They pointed to their families and factory workers. They asked for EVEN MORE money than before (although not as much as me, I thought proudly). They threw themselves on the Mercy of the Congress.

"And," I added as a final touch, "they also have had a dramatic drop in orders."

The argument that neither the Car Nawabs nor my BTF factory could fill their books is a compelling one indeed. No one asked me why, for example, I did not rethink my product offer. No one wondered what I had done to revamp the designs to suit consumer demand more precisely.

The session is now in recess while the elected representatives of the American People ponder the question. When I get called in, maybe I can reduce my own salary to 75 cents a year. To show that I am willing to bite the bullet. To show that I care deeply.

After all, we cannot all be winners in the Bailout. I may even have to sell my yachts.