TOP SECRET: Resolutions

One of the secret purposes of our celebration of the New Year is to expose last year’s excesses and negligence, to put the right foot forward, to make firm and binding resolutions (1244?) for how we will modify our behavior in the oh-so-close-at-hand future.

There are a number of resolutions which we talk about and some we keep as guarded secrets so that when we abandon them on January 2 at about 10:23, no one will be the wiser….

Here are a few of my secret resolutions:

1.      In 2007, I will stop eating.

2.      In 2007, I will stop smoking.

3.      In 2007, I will stop drinking.

4.      In 2007, I will introduce mitigating amendments to Resolutions 1-3 allowing for moderation in the restricted activities, such moderation to be characterized and described by the confines of physical capacity, adding descriptors to the actual “stoppages” so as to facilitate their implementation. Example descriptors: “while sleeping” or “in the shower.”

5.      In 2007, as the sole executive and adjudicating body, I will pass these amendments without undue delay.

6.      In 2007, I will write fewer nasty barbs and thought pieces about the government. The only two provisos of this resolution are A) given that we actually HAVE a government before summer, B) given that they do not engage in egregiously boneheaded acts or make gratuitous and mind-bogglingly stupid statements which REQUIRE nasty barbs.

7.      In 2007, I will only accept exact change.

8.      In 2007, I will not kill anyone who does not deserve it.

9.      In 2007, I read more books unless there is something to watch on TV.

10.  In 2007, I will get fewer parking tickets (especially as my car made the resolution to break down and stage a wildcat strike in the closing days of 2006).

11.  In 2007, I will lower my expectations of customer service at cafes, kiosks, and Idea Extra in order to be pleasantly surprised every three months.

12.  In 2007, I will answer the phone by saying: “Why?”

13.  In 2007, I will embrace the Rule of Law in equal proportion to the government (see Provisos A and B, Resolution 6).

14.  In 2007, I will only use the words “defenestrate” and “antidisestablishmentarian” in separate sentences.

15.  In 2007, I will not wear anything purple.

16.  In 2007, I will set each of my watches and clocks to different times and dates so as not be late to any appointments.

17.  In 2007, I will go to the gym. In 2008, I will resolve to USE the gym.

18.  In 2007, I will have a smile and kind word for everyone as long as they refrain from pissing me off.

19.  In 2007, I will not repeat myself.

20.  In 2007, I will not repeat myself.

21.  In 2007, I will organize my business cards and update my phonebook regularly.

22.  In 2007, in order to comply with Resolution 21, I will not meet new people.

23.  In 2007, I will not run for public office.

24.  In 2007, I will believe 92% of what I hear.

25.  And finally, in 2007, I will take a long hard look at the resolutions which I have made and seek ways to violate each of them on a daily basis, thus freeing myself from abstract and self-imposed behavioral restrictions that inform the unnatural ontological construct requiring one to engage in predictable patterns of activity, predicated on a traditional approach to meeting the new year.

These are my secret resolutions, shared only with myself and the World Wide Web. I am counting on each of you NOT to remember them, NOT to hold me to them, and NOT to mention the fact that you may have accidentally become aware of my secret resolutions while reading this.

Happy New Year from the White City on the Danube!