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Deck The Halls With Šljivovica!

Yuletide SpiritsYuletide SpiritsChristmas has come early to Serbia this year as Santa Claus packed Belgrade’s stocking with all sorts of things. But did the Jolly Olde Elf fill the stocking with candy and gifts? Or did he decide that Koštunica had been a naughty boy and bring coal and sticks instead? Hmmm, let’s take a look in the stocking and see what we can pull out…..

-Membership in Partnership for Peace? A large gift.

-Glowing reviews from the World Bank? A gift.

-Delaying the presentation of Ahtisaari’s status recommendations for Kosovo? A huge gift.

-The European Union and the United States falling all over themselves to show they support democracy in Serbia and to prevent the Radical bogey-man from coming to power? A silly gift, but a gift nonetheless.

-Marko getting thrown out of the house at Big Brother? A gift.

-Vojislav Šešelj’s new weight loss plan, the Hague Diet? Also a gift.

But what do Serbs really, really want for Christmas? Some of my sources in the Pošta have given me a selection of letters to Santa Claus from some anonymous Serbian citizens, telling what they want for Christmas. Here are some excerpts from these letters. The names have been disguised to prevent their privacy.


Dear Santa,

I would like Ollie Rehn and Javier Solana to tell me that Serbia can become a member of the EU without fulfilling any of the membership requirements. I want the Serbian Orthodox Church to become the official state religion of the EU and to have the Patriarch replace the Pope. Please have Solana name Ratko Mladic to replace him at the head of EU foreign policy. Please banish Carla Del Ponte to the Outer Hebrides. Kosovo, of course, should remain part of Serbia forever and ever and ever and ever and all the Albanians should leave. In exchange we will give them another piece of Holy Serbian soil: Chicago. Help me move the Drina River 300 kilometres west. And don’t forget the 40 kilos of tuna fish for my cats.



Dear Santa,

Please, please, please, please, let him die(t) so I can become the boss. Please, please, please, please. Perhaps I can also bury him...I am good at burying things, such as countries, hopes, dead bodies, freedom, liberty and democracy. Please have Ahtisaari make his decision after a democratic government is formed. But most of all, don’t let us win more than 50% in the elections, because then we will have to form a government and take responsibility for something. Also, if it’s not asking too much, could you have all the Hungarians leave Vojvodina? Please?



Dear Santa

Could you renew my contract with that modelling agency? And could you tell that guy Zoran to quite coming to me in my dreams and asking me why I have abandoned his path? Oh, yes, could you have Čedo emigrate to Australia or South Africa? And could you have Ahtisaari present his report before we form a government? Most importantly, I need some competent advisors



Dear Santa,

I want to be Zoran Djindjić.



Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy. The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and the bees. I want money…and power. Especially power. And could you make that guy Djelić go away? Now he has a book and everyone has forgotten about my book. And I really, really, really need just a few more votes. I am so desperate that I am even willing to resolve Kosovo.



Dear Santa,

I want the King to come back. No, not Elvis, I mean a Karadjordjević. I’ll even settle for an Obrenović, if you can find one. But a Nemanjić would be best of all. Also, could you cause the people counting the votes in Čačak to make a mistake and give Velja’s votes to me?



Dear Santa,

J**** te čorava. Dao bih ti da mi po*****, al mnogo si ružan, pobacam te kroz prozor sa sve Irvasima. Ko te pita šta češ mi doneti za božić, majku ti j****! Donet ćeš mi ono sto ti kažem da mi doneseš, p**** ti materina. You will bring me a new motorway from Horgoš all the way to Užice



There it is. What average Serbs really want for Christmas. I do, however, detect a Grinch just waiting to steal Christmas: an election campaign in the middle of the holiday season.

How are Serbs expected to enjoy their numerous slavas, two Christmases and two New Years? How can there be “Peace On Earth, Good Will Towards Men” when every time I turn on the television I am bombarded with advertisements…”Long live Serbia”; “Expertise Before Politics”; “50% Plus Your Vote”, “For a Better Life”, “It Depends on Us”, to name but a few. Is this the way you wanted to spend your holidays? Somebody call Carla Del Ponte and ask her to indict Koštunica, Nikolić and Tadić for a crime against humanity for setting 21 January as an election date. I thought this was the season to be jolly.

In the meantime, while we wait for Christmas day, let us warm ourselves around a warm radiator and a glowing television screen, with a glass of warm eggnog (or šljivovica or travarica) as we watch the wonderfully entertaining political advertisements and fill ourselves to overflowing at the slava buffet table. And don’t forget that you are not supposed to eat anything greasy (masno), so stay away from the roast pig and lamb and all those other sinful delights.

jeez james...

seems you didn't get Christmas presents too often.
why not wish all these people a merry C, happy NY, lotta presents, lotta love and a prosperous 2007. lay off the hardball attitude just a wee bit, huh?

That would be so unlike James mate,

and here's a list of things I bet he wants for Christmas:
1) Radicals in power
2) Serbia getting a life ban on EU membership
3) more violence in Kosovo
4) more isolation for Serbia
5) Milosevic's resurrection

Because only bad news is good news for JL and his likes. That's what he lives on.

Appendix (annex)

Dear Santa,

Could you give me the powers of Alan Chumak, Dzuna Davitashvili and David Copperfield altogether, so I can personally participate and lead my own campaign in Serbia, hand in hand with my beloved and obviously smart and intelligent wife -- and, at the same time, to be far, far away of all evils, envy politicians and their special brigades who desperately want to put me behind the bars.
Dear Santa, I’ve always been a 20-hour-a-day hard-working boy, starting with the guitar, which was not a Christmas present but my own very first investment. Lastly, I ended with a cell phone (network), which you haven't given to me as a gift for Christmas, too. Dearest Santa, I know that you are to give presents only and you never take them back. But, please, please, make an exception only once in your career. Please take away that cell phone (network) from evil and unworthy boys and bring it back to me, because I'm good, I'm honest, I'm hard working, I'm smart, I'm the best choice of Serbian people to be PM, 250 MP, P and 16 M. I'll not ask you to give me a 67%-score in next general election, because I'm 100% sure in that result, because I'm bigger than Mohammad Ali, I'm all around you, I'm the King, I'll be the Prime Minister of Serbia as of next month.

B. K.

P.S. What do you say about a donation of 1 million T-shirts, as Christmas present for boys and girls all across Serbia?

Unfortunately distribution

Unfortunately distribution of NYE and Christmas presents for the children get crimp this year because SPC bumped Santa.

Ha ha ha Fantastic! B.T.'s

Ha ha ha


B.T.'s is the best.
V.I. is second placed because of lack of "bre" and too long sentences. :)

too true

to be funny.

But I'm laughing anyway:))

Bless you James,

You're a brave man...

Do you ever ask yourself what if some nasty, very nasty, a really bad guy from DB while reading your blog and eating slanina i luk thinks?

What the heck is this bloke James doing?

and then opens your file and among hundereds of pages he puts another one saying:

OBJEKAT dana 13.12.2006 koristeci strani, najverovatnije engleski jezik, piso' na blogu sajta b92 protiv naroda, crkve i drzave i sa drugim, za sada nepoznatim subjektom, pod kodnim imenom Santa razmenjivao informacije u vezi sa predstjecim praznicima citirajuci reci naseg drzavno politickog vrha na celu sa premijerom i predsednikom a ne izostavljajci ni ostale drzavne i verske velikodostojnike, i grubo se poigravajaci sa drzavnim integritetom i suverenitetom Republike Srbije.


MaxMagnus the 007


Jao, pa u Srbiji svako može da se izdrkava.
Please Santa bring me a shity stick...

How Grinch stole Christmas?

Maybe like this:

Christmas wishes


Sad coz it's true, but I really can't rememmber when I read something funny like this. Txnks James:)))))))))))))))))))))

Sisoje Sisoje bidi veseo

A da turiš gaće preko lubanje, dva plajvaza u nosinger i vikneš filipidipi?!


How about telling us James, in that funny manner of yours,

what would international OAPs(*) like to get for Christmas, you know people with random initials like C.P., G.S., W.C., Z.B., or M.A. It would be quite amusing to read about their wishes, don't you think?
(*) old age pensioners


Dear Mr Lyon,

You hit it right on the head! Hillariously funny, and sad at the same time 'cause it's true!

BTW, the tuna was unnecessary. We would have figured it out anyway ;)

well James I know you think you're

funny and smart and probably you are since they send you to serbia (cause you know average peasent man in serbia on a country side is more smarter then any average american, let's face it)but maybe , just maybe you should think for a moment that you're not so funny and interesting and pisins us off because when I see the reality shows in a country that you are from --like jerry springer --and line" I slept around more then 30 times and I don-t know if this baby is yours " or "I'm screwing the same guy as my mom"or "I'm screwing my uncle" or when I listen to Madlen Olbrayt who sais --People in Europe just have to realize that they have their national interest cause we are in Iraq,it just need to be clear to them (??? excuse me , who the f*** are you?), then I realize James that you shouldn't show off so much you know ...


your comment is offensive and should be ignored. But I cannot resist the temptation of saying a few words. First of all, claiming that one nation (or at least its agricultural portion) is smarter than some other nation makes you no better than that professor-guy-whazisname from Ireland, who claimed that Serbs are the dumbest folks... You have nothing to back that up with, so in the future try to support and/or revise your infantile and hackneyed stances with relevant research.

And about the TV... Yes, some American talk-shows are as low as it can actually get, at least it seems so. But is the program in this country really any better?? And if we come to agree that it is, don't you think it's on a good way of becoming of such sort as well?
Are disfigured freeks with oversized rack, which call themselves "estradne umetnice", a worse sight than the freeks on Jerry Springer? Don't make me pull some lyrics of theirs on ya.

Oh so you're the new one here

a friend of Mr. Lyon or his other "I" ? :)
well atlist serbs know geography , cause u c Americans about Europe or world know only Paris and China probably, maybe Korea but that's it. I was really amused when they asked me --so you came from Vienna --Russia ? and I'm like --well maybe there is Vienna in Russia but I only know about Vienna Austria. Let's face it they are not very smart and educated but that's alright. Probably some of my brain cells wouldn't grow if I would live in that kind of sociaty(a very good one) where everything is on hand to you only you have to picked it out from life(if you're not lazy)
Oh yeah and I forgot to add--maybe all americans should pray to Santa to give them next time president who wont have speaches as this one does ;)
James don't take it personally , you know I even like you :))

Really James, what is on your bosses' wish lists?

(You know those lovely guys with names like Chris, George, Wesley, Zbygnev or Martti.)