For reasons of confidentiality, I am unable to reveal the whereabouts of The Home. Suffice to say that it is a rather large and stately affair ensconced in a semi-rural area, detached from the rest of the world, where the residents live out normal lives far from the prying eyes and fingers of fans, paparazzi, and prosecutorial investigators.
And it has a very nice sound system, too. Oldies mostly.
Band leader Glenn Miller has a room there. He spends most of his time bugging Amelia Earhart about what she did with her plane and how she got from the South Pacific to The Home without being seen. Miller had to use four causes of death to get by the public inquest.
As the newest intern at The Home, Osama Bin Laden is right now going through the usual hazing that senior fake-dead residents organize for newbies. He is being forced to write fresh obituaries for all of the residents, since stories always crop up in the media when a new guy comes. Even if Barrack Obama says that he was really killed, many will never believe it. According to Jim Morrison, reporters are forever trying to "break on through to the other side" for a sound-bite.
Among the others who I saw meandering through the halls and at the breakfast buffet were Kurt Cobain, Andy Kaufmann, James Dean, River Phoenix, and Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (who spends most of his time doodling sheep on napkins).
In another wing of The Home, Adolf Hitler still goose-steps about by himself. The others tend to give him a wide berth although it is said that Jesus spends a lot of time there trying to get him to accept the communal living arrangements. Jimmy Hoffa sometimes mediates.
And I walked by a room with a sign on it that says "Ratko Mladić," but I was not allowed in. I guess the reward is too tempting for the few visitors allowed in The Home.
Bin Laden's room is not very ornate. In fact, they attempted to simulate a kind of cave environment so that he would feel at home. The main problem, most of the residents complain about, is not that they have to live in seclusion after having exited the perception of the world, it is that they can NEVER die - people on the outside keep them alive by refusing to accept their deaths. Sometimes the refusal goes on for generations.
The other strange thing I noticed about The Home is how many ancient dogs and cats are there. All of the dogs who, as we were told as children, were sent to the nice farms where they could chase rabbits all day - they're all here. Nice to know THAT one was true. Bin Laden may be asked to use some of his time here to care for the animals. I thought that was a little ironic.
On my way out, I was shown to a side door and had to side-step a stampede of people rushing to the stereo system. The piped-in rock and roll music had gone quiet and it seems the next selection was a matter of controversy among the residents.
Elvis, I was told, had left the building.