Chris Farmer RSS / 12.04.2008. u 18:28

My grandmother and her cousin Lula were always in competition with the Colonel.

When I was a boy in the Iowa cornfields (actually we lived in a house), the making of fried chicken happened with blissful regularity. My sister and I would be whisked from kitchen to kitchen to consume fried chicken. I have a distinct recollection of telling Lula that her chicken tasted better than the Colonel's.

Immortality achieved.

With this as a background, I must admit that since those bucolic days of yesteryear until only very recently, I had not paid a single visit on Colonel Sanders (now a license rather than a name) or Kentucky Fried Chicken (as we once knew it, now a mere abbreviation, KFC). During these more than 30 intervening years, this purveyor of extra crispy and coleslaw was off my Fast Food Radar (which, by the way makes, the Hubble Space Telescope look like a Kinder egg sneak-a-scope).

And then the Colonel came to Serbia.Unfortunately, back in Kentucky, the good old marketing boys at KFC had neglected to read newspapers during these 30 years. No one told them, for example, that cold war had ended, that the Soviet Union had fallen, that communists were not the biggest global annoyance any more. I suppose it did not seem to matter with your feet in the blue grass.

But then someone had the Bright Idea to send KFC abroad. By the time they had come to the S's on the list, seen Serbia, called in an expert geographer to show them where it was on the map, figured out that it used to hide inside of Yugoslavia (in the Y's much further down), the world had changed again many times over.

The good old marketing boys, however, had been busy. They invented KFCommunism. They reckoned it would be useful for all them there commie-countries over there east of England (i.e., everything else until Japan).

Before you start calling this in as a hoax, dear readers, I invite you to visit KFC here in New Belgrade.... Lights, please?

            (Fade in - KFC counter - Delta City)

- Can I help you?

- I would like a Picnic bucket

- Ok

- With only dark meat please

          (cue Scary Music - maybe from Scooby Doo)

- Only dark?

- Yes please.

- You can't have that.

- Why not?

- I don't know... Let me get the manager.

           (Exits left, running)

          (Enter Manager left - cue Imperial March from Star Wars)

- What seems to be the problem? (heavy breathing through black strap-on asthma inhaler)

- I ordered a Picnic bucket with all dark meat.

- No.


- No?

- No you cannot have that.

- But I ordered it. You have the chicken don't you?

- Yes (breathing), we do.


- Then can I order only pieces?

- Yes.

- Good. Then I will have three drumsticks and three thighs please.

- No.

Several hours later, a young man looking nervously at me called me aside and explained what was going on. I could NOT buy which ever pieces I wanted because there were not enough of them. But, I pointed out, I can SEE THEM SITTING THERE! Yes, he told me, there are enough in an Absolute Sense. But there are not enough to go around.

Light dawned.

Under capitalism, I could order every last piece of chicken, every cole of slaw, and the manager's pointy hat if I wanted (maybe even the inhaler to boot). And they would sell it to me. But under KFCommunism, I must think about the Collective. What would happen if, say, three hours later a young couple came looking for a Picnic bucket and found ONLY WHITE meat? Imagine their shock and despair! No, as a consumer under this regime, it is more important to think for the society before yourself. My allotment of dark meat is two (maybe three if you play golf with the party boss).

I should NOT be so selfish. I should NOT think only of what I want... Do you want this to turn into the bedlam of a Consumer Society?? Certainly not! Back in Kentucky, the good old marketing boys had thought of this. They were probably strumming the banjo in glee right now to see how well their KFCommunism worked.

In the meantime, I consulted my watch, noticed that it was the 21st century, and came up with my own cunning plan:

           (Enter Me, again, stage right)

- May I have one chicken leg, to take away, please?

- Yes.

- Thank you.

           (Pays, exits right)

(Pause)           (Enter Me, again, stage right)

- May I have one chicken leg, to take away, please?

- Yes.

- Thank you.

           (Pays, exits right)

(Pause)           (Enter Me, again, stage right)

- May I have one chicken leg, to take away, please?

- Yes.

- Thank you.

           (Pays, exits right)

I did this ten times, got what I wanted in the end, and headed home. When I got back to my flat, with the chicken now on a descending scale of coldness, I immediately called three or four major American dailies and subscribed the Colonel and his minions to each.

It is time for the fall of the KFCCCP. The Cold Chicken War is gone.



Komentari (12)

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skyspoter skyspoter 18:40 12.04.2008

did you ever try


you get bird flu as extra and free of charge.
Dawngreeter Dawngreeter 19:01 12.04.2008


KFC is without doubt my favorite (so much so that it is quite possibly my most favoritest ever) fast food franchise. I recall the time when going to Budapest was of vital importance because a) they have genuine RPG stores and b) they have KFC. Seriously. When I was heading there in order to do TOEFL and SAT, the exams themselves were a distant third.

There was a period after Delta City opened during which I absolutely refused to visit that dread hall of consumerism, the temple of monopoly, the living, breathing collective entity existing for no other reason than to celebrate everything Mišković. At one point a friend pointed out that I was being hypocritical towards myself. I was giving money to Mišković either way, I'm just patting myself on the back, telling myself I'm so cool for boycotting something "obviously evil". So I went there. Only to eat at KFC mind you, shopping for clothes is the single most disturbing thing that can happen to me (further down the line are, in this exact order, speaking in public and death).

At this point, I was probably there a dozen times or so. Not once, not a single gorram time did I get dark meat. I swear. Of course, I never asked specifically for dark meat. I don't rightly care one way or the other. It just became amusing after first couple of visits that all I ever got was chicken breast (who knew there'd come a day I would complain about having breasts offered to me too often). The anticipation of possibly getting a drum stick at some point in the future remains a constant source of amusement.

Though I probably should note that I am very easily amused.
Rasina Rasina 19:57 12.04.2008


You guys eat that crap?

It's bad for ya.
Tibor Jóna Tibor Jóna 20:44 12.04.2008


ah well, in serbia consumers are there to make shops happy, because they as consumers are already happy (enough) to have a shop in the first place - thanks to galatcic kindness of who ever is the current Glorious Leader!

our superior culture figured out that the road to anarchy and decay begins with absolute freedom of choice for the little man.


1. consumers happy - checked - they have a shop
2. shop happy - checked - they bullied the money out of the (happy) consumers
3. Leader happy - checked - (happy) shop owner (most probably) feathered his nest real nicely to keep it all like this AND (happy) consumers think hes the greatest for letting them enjoy all this luxury!

all happy!

Except Chris Farmer! But then again YOU bombed us. And yes, maybe in America you can get all dark meat, but thats why your stupid, fat and have GWB. And thats something we simply - dont wanna!

U see in order to make you Americans happy you need :

a KFC restaurant
a kind and pleasnat salesman(woman)
a whide selection of food to choose from
and on and on and on

While (the) we stop at the first point!
KFC? checked! YAY!
Happy, happy, joy, joy!

So abandon your silly, hedonistic ways and join us.

Be happy just because there is a KFC to go to in the first place. U`ll feel better...

C`mon, u know U wanna!
Rasina Rasina 01:52 13.04.2008

Re: ....

Not clear - are you sucking up, or just suck?
Rasina Rasina 01:55 13.04.2008

Re: ....

cause both are bad for ya... even more than junk food.
Turnesol Turnesol 12:17 13.04.2008

Re: ....

That's the just panishment for wanting KFC on the first place.

KFC should be banned from any country that cares of her citizens' health. Is that the worst shit one could have?

And who's the owner of the franchise? Let me guess, a Milosevic family friend, turend rich on hyperinflation. Hmmm....

I praise the manager for preventing you from eating it, and I agree that you cannot have what you want only beacause you paid for it.

When resources are scarce, solidarity is important. Think it over for mankind's sake.
MilutinM MilutinM 00:21 13.04.2008

In communism?

And then the Colonel came to Serbia.Unfortunately, back in Kentucky, the good old marketing boys at KFC had neglected to read newspapers during these 30 years. No one told them, for example, that cold war had ended, that the Soviet Union had fallen, that communists were not the biggest global annoyance any more

I ate my one and only KFC meal in China, in 1988 = 20 years ago. So, good old marketing boys at KFC were reading the newspapers before that!
noboole noboole 14:35 13.04.2008


I ate once in KFC in London and I am not repeating that experience again. In Serbia, at least I had the opportunity to eat healthy chicken. I even heard KFC had ideas of growing some mutant multi-winged creatures.
vjazma vjazma 06:08 14.04.2008

Inform yourselves


Even if you don't care so much about how animals are treated (and I'm not one of those vegan, animal welfare activists, I do eat meat), you probably care about what you eat. If nothing, it's a health issue. I mean, chickens that are bred to be "top-heavy", i.e. with huge breasts and almost no legs, cannot be good for you. Only because someone at some point declared that white is good, and black is bad (I'm talking about meat here), turkeys and chickens are genetically altered to yield more white meat. And KFC is probably the worst place to eat chicken at, for the chicken meat itself, and for the way it is processed and cooked. What happened to the good old days when Belgraders used to go to their local green market, where they knew their butchers, usually villagers from the area, and knew where their food came from and how it was fed? The best tasting chicken was, but of course, the one that was allowed to roam freely, that was fed non-GM grains and allowed to pick its own food. If you're lazy to cook it yourself, or have no time, you could ask your butcher to bake it or fry it for you.

Back in the late eighties-early nineties, there existed briefly one KFC place in Belgrade, someone might remember, in Dositejeva street. It didn't last long, because Belgraders, used to the real taste of chicken, saw through KFC. After they'd try it, they'd realise how badly it tasted, and they'd never shop there again. Soon after, the fast food joint went out of business. It is unfortunate and sad that it is now emerging in Belgrade as the next great thing. I assume that after decades of isolation, Belgraders are hungry for anything foreign, however disgusting it might be.
Michael Michael 17:25 17.04.2008

Re: Inform yourselves

I absolutely guarantee you that the chicken used in KFC in Delta City comes from poultry farms in Serbia.

Chris: you have only passed level one (purchasing what you want). Your next Belgrade capitalism challenge awaits: buy something, and then have a go at returning it. Don't even leave the store before attempting to return your purchase. Make sure you don't park in a zone 1 before attempting this feat.
synclepitica synclepitica 00:16 11.05.2008

I Found Where All the Dark Meat is.

Passing by a KFC in Rockville, Maryland this week (velika predgrada Vasingtona), I noticed on their sign "Dark Meat Only." Capitalism back at home isn't necessarily any better at adjusting supply to demand (at least until they can genetically manufacture chickens with different proportions of muscle mass), we're just unapologetic about it.

There are values to both systems, and maybe we could try to take the best from both? Some balance between concern for distribution and social welfare while still allowing normal market mechanisms? Or you just keep beating your head against the wall while the country takes a generation or two to adapt--and no, it won't be rushed.



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